Singleness Is Not a Disease to Be Cured

“You’ll find the right one someday.” “It’ll happen in God’s timing.” “When I stopped looking, I found the one.” Maybe you’ve heard some version of this advice toward your single season. While said with the best intentions, this advice leaves singles feeling a bit like they are in a waiting room for real life. Singleness is looked at in this negative context as if God couldn’t use it for His glory. We begin waiting for someone to give us permission to live. All the while, we may feel like God is holding out on us or somehow punishing us. We end up viewing our single season like it is a disease to be cured.

Here are some reasons we need to stop treating singleness like a disease to be cured:

1.     God’s timeline does not follow the world’s timeline.

There is a culturally acceptable age to be single. After that, people begin to wonder if you are even trying or if there is something wrong with you. Often when hearing that a 20-something is single, people will say, “well, it’s okay because you’re still young.” Would it not be okay to be single in the young 30’s, upper 30’s, or dare I say the 40’s? The problem with putting an age limit on singleness is that God does not operate based on the world’s standards. He is not limited by the constraints the world imposes. Consider the example of the Israelites. God had promised to give them the land flowing with milk and honey on a trip that should’ve taken days. Due to their disobedience, it took the Israelites 40 years of wandering through the desert to enter the Promised Land. God was faithful all along. While the story of our own lives may not follow the future that the world or we expect, God will accomplish His plan. If we believe that God is sovereign and His timing is perfect, we must also believe that our singleness is purposeful.

2.     Being single does not mean you are being punished.

As the Israelites disobeyed God and were withheld the blessing for a time, we may associate our singleness with a lack of obedience. We may have an “if-then” relationship with our sin. If I correct this sin pattern in my life, then God will give me a spouse. We then look around and see plenty of people who don’t have it all together, yet have a spouse. This “if-then” condition doesn’t add up. The way I have come to see God is that He is a good God who wants good gifts for His children. We can see evidence of this in the Psalms,

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield;

The Lord bestows favor and honor.

No good thing does he withhold

from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84: 10-11 ESV).

If the Word of God tells me that I have every good thing I need in Christ, then I can understand that I do not need the gift of marriage, right now. My extended time as a single can be seen as a blessing because it gives me more time to find Christ as my treasure.

3.     Your purpose on Earth is to glorify God.

The first time I read advice on singleness that told me my life was not about me, I was angry. I wanted to be validated in my disdain for my unwanted state. My emotions were so focused on myself, I forgot that I am here to glorify God. The statement by John Piper says it well, 

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him."

The extent to which we can glorify God is determined by the amount of satisfaction we find in Him. As we focus on our distaste for singleness, we will lose our ability to find our satisfaction in Him. 

The Westminster Catechism, based on 1 Corinthians 10:31 states,

“The chief end [purpose] of man is to glorify God, and enjoy Him forever.”

We are told to pursue things that make us happy. God promises a different and better way. Whether given the gift of marriage or not, we can live purposeful lives with the mindset that our lives should be a sacrifice of praise to God.

In the midst of all the contradicting advice and pressure to confine to the world’s standards, we can choose to believe the Word of God about singleness. We can live out our singleness with purpose, rather than merely exist until marriage. Singleness is not a disease to be cured; it is an opportunity to glorify God without reserve.

What To Do When You Are Interested in The Wrong Guys

            There is this theme in movies that is appealing to girls: a bad boy will change because of a good girl. From “A Walk To Remember” to “10 Things I Hate About You”, female viewers are left feeling like there is hope in dating a bad boy. We believe this idea that if we are smart enough, interesting enough, important enough to this bad boy, we can make him good. What we often forget is that we are not the ones causing the change; God is the one who can change someone’s heart.  

            My crush on “bad boys” began in fifth grade. I always had my eye on the boy who would get in trouble and seem to be totally fine with it. Interestingly enough, fifth grade was around the time when I was introduced to my first romantic movie, “A Walk to Remember”. I was intrigued by the way Shane lived his life, without regard to authority. It excited me to see such “freedom” in living. Before I had Jesus as Lord of my life, I was drawn to rebellion. I had a rebellious spirit about me. I was a daughter of rebellion, attracted to disobedient living. 

Here are some things to do if you are interested in the wrong guys:

1.     Let God restructure your desires

As I have committed my life to Christ, He has restructured what I look for in a man. I consider my limited relationship experience in my life a blessing to me because I see it as God keeping me safe. I think God has kept me from the guys I thought I wanted to date. In the Psalm, David says, “You are a hiding place for me; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with shouts of deliverance” (Psalm 32:7 ESV). As I’ve developed a faith that is my own, God has been delivering me from my old ways of thinking into new ways that are shaped by Him.

2.     Keep your eyes open

The best advice my mom has ever given me is “keep your eyes open.” When getting to know a guy, especially, we have to keep our eyes open. Proverbs 16:17 says, “The highway of the upright is to depart from evil; He who keeps his way preserves his soul” (ESV). We should continually be moving away from evil, not towards it. If you discover a guy you are interested in has a past of habitual sin patterns, don’t be afraid to discuss this with him. Be open to ask the hard questions. Ask him when the last time he did ______ was. Ask him what he is doing to seek accountability. Ask him what kind of faith community he is a part of. As believers, we should be running from evil and towards Jesus. If you uncover that the guy you are interested in is still engaging in habitual sin patterns, just run. Girl, you are not in covenant with this guy. You do not have to stay with this guy if he has not dealt with his sin. When you don’t put your eggs all in one basket, you are able to see objectively the character of the guy you are considering.

3.     Let go of the “savior complex”

I recently listened to a Podcast episode that said that many guys are looking for a girl that has it all together so they can coast and rely on her goodness; similarly girls are looking for guys who they can fix. We are not meant to fix a guy we are dating. We are meant to go along beside this guy and serve the Lord with him. We are called to challenge each other to become more like Jesus. Ephesians 5:22-23 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior” (ESV). One day, the guy who becomes our husband will be the one we submit to. If we can’t trust the guy we are interested in now, who are we to say if that will change? How can we expect to joyfully submit to a husband we never trusted as a boyfriend? Only God can do the saving work in someone’s heart. If you are waiting for a guy to become “the one”, you may want to give him some space to seek God’s direction in his life.

4.     Surrender the fear

Often time, prolonged singleness can lead to fear. We fear that we will never get married. We fear we will never meet a good guy. We fear that something is wrong with us. Out of fear of passing time, we may begin to set an internal timetable. To reach the expected timeframe, we may unintentionally skim over important things. When we operate out of fear, a guy with multiple red flags can appear dateable. What once was a non-negotiable is suddenly back on the drawing board. David shows such confidence in God’s goodness and timing when he says, “Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind!” (Psalm 31:19). By giving God the fear over what may not be, it shows a fear in Him and a respect for His timing. You are showing Him that you thank Him for His timing, even when you don’t understand it.

In the midst of singleness, there will be days when we just want to give in. We may want to settle for less than God’s best in order to fill loneliness in our hearts. Instead of falling for this trap of temporary happiness, lets wait for a Godly man who we can glorify God with. Let’s let go of the reigns of our love life and give our desires to the one who put them there. Let’s make God-honoring decisions in our relationships, as a way of putting our most important relationship first.