What To Do When You Are Interested in The Wrong Guys

            There is this theme in movies that is appealing to girls: a bad boy will change because of a good girl. From “A Walk To Remember” to “10 Things I Hate About You”, female viewers are left feeling like there is hope in dating a bad boy. We believe this idea that if we are smart enough, interesting enough, important enough to this bad boy, we can make him good. What we often forget is that we are not the ones causing the change; God is the one who can change someone’s heart.  

            My crush on “bad boys” began in fifth grade. I always had my eye on the boy who would get in trouble and seem to be totally fine with it. Interestingly enough, fifth grade was around the time when I was introduced to my first romantic movie, “A Walk to Remember”. I was intrigued by the way Shane lived his life, without regard to authority. It excited me to see such “freedom” in living. Before I had Jesus as Lord of my life, I was drawn to rebellion. I had a rebellious spirit about me. I was a daughter of rebellion, attracted to disobedient living. 

Here are some things to do if you are interested in the wrong guys:

1.     Let God restructure your desires

As I have committed my life to Christ, He has restructured what I look for in a man. I consider my limited relationship experience in my life a blessing to me because I see it as God keeping me safe. I think God has kept me from the guys I thought I wanted to date. In the Psalm, David says, “You are a hiding place for me; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with shouts of deliverance” (Psalm 32:7 ESV). As I’ve developed a faith that is my own, God has been delivering me from my old ways of thinking into new ways that are shaped by Him.

2.     Keep your eyes open

The best advice my mom has ever given me is “keep your eyes open.” When getting to know a guy, especially, we have to keep our eyes open. Proverbs 16:17 says, “The highway of the upright is to depart from evil; He who keeps his way preserves his soul” (ESV). We should continually be moving away from evil, not towards it. If you discover a guy you are interested in has a past of habitual sin patterns, don’t be afraid to discuss this with him. Be open to ask the hard questions. Ask him when the last time he did ______ was. Ask him what he is doing to seek accountability. Ask him what kind of faith community he is a part of. As believers, we should be running from evil and towards Jesus. If you uncover that the guy you are interested in is still engaging in habitual sin patterns, just run. Girl, you are not in covenant with this guy. You do not have to stay with this guy if he has not dealt with his sin. When you don’t put your eggs all in one basket, you are able to see objectively the character of the guy you are considering.

3.     Let go of the “savior complex”

I recently listened to a Podcast episode that said that many guys are looking for a girl that has it all together so they can coast and rely on her goodness; similarly girls are looking for guys who they can fix. We are not meant to fix a guy we are dating. We are meant to go along beside this guy and serve the Lord with him. We are called to challenge each other to become more like Jesus. Ephesians 5:22-23 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior” (ESV). One day, the guy who becomes our husband will be the one we submit to. If we can’t trust the guy we are interested in now, who are we to say if that will change? How can we expect to joyfully submit to a husband we never trusted as a boyfriend? Only God can do the saving work in someone’s heart. If you are waiting for a guy to become “the one”, you may want to give him some space to seek God’s direction in his life.

4.     Surrender the fear

Often time, prolonged singleness can lead to fear. We fear that we will never get married. We fear we will never meet a good guy. We fear that something is wrong with us. Out of fear of passing time, we may begin to set an internal timetable. To reach the expected timeframe, we may unintentionally skim over important things. When we operate out of fear, a guy with multiple red flags can appear dateable. What once was a non-negotiable is suddenly back on the drawing board. David shows such confidence in God’s goodness and timing when he says, “Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind!” (Psalm 31:19). By giving God the fear over what may not be, it shows a fear in Him and a respect for His timing. You are showing Him that you thank Him for His timing, even when you don’t understand it.

In the midst of singleness, there will be days when we just want to give in. We may want to settle for less than God’s best in order to fill loneliness in our hearts. Instead of falling for this trap of temporary happiness, lets wait for a Godly man who we can glorify God with. Let’s let go of the reigns of our love life and give our desires to the one who put them there. Let’s make God-honoring decisions in our relationships, as a way of putting our most important relationship first.

When A Good Man Doesn't Come

I was the girl who, as a teenager, wrote list of ideas of what a “good guy” would look like and act like. This list of ideals and non-negotiables has developed over the years, but nonetheless continued. I had this idea that by attending a Christian college, I’d find a “good Christian guy”. As graduation approached and I was still single, I started to buy into the idea that no good men exist. All around me, I heard some people tell me, “Your standards are too high. No one can meet those standards. You may need to reevaluate.” When I listened to other friends, they told me to hold tight to my standards and refuse to settle. As the former voices became louder, I started to mentally erase standards from the list that I didn’t believe could be found in men these days. I allowed myself to be influenced by the idea that no good men exist, anymore.

Here is why it is dangerous to listen to the voices telling us no good men exist:

1.)  We will begin to feel hopeless of the possibility of a Godly spouse.

When I was in college, I thought I’d have a “ring by spring”. When I got out of college, I thought I’d be married by 25. Now, at the age of 25, I’m coming to this place where I realize that God does not work on my timetable. He is not limited by age, location, or personality. When we tell ourselves that there are no good men, we are not trusting God. Out of a place of hopelessness, we can become fearful. Fear can lead us to make harmful decisions about relationships. Solomon wrote, “It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman” (Proverbs 21:19). As a single woman, I can interpret this verse to mean: it is better that I stay single through life than attach myself to a man who does not fear God. Hope is kept when we let God meet our needs.

2.)  We will not live purposeful lives.

The Lord has a plan for our lives, whether a good man enters the picture now or not. Our purpose does not begin when we find Mr. Right. How can we expect to find a man living his life on purpose if we are not living ours on purpose? When we get stuck on why we can’t find a good man right now, we forget that God has a plan for both singles and marrieds. After speaking about the purposes of singles and marrieds, Paul said, “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him” (1 Corinthians 7:17 ESV). Perhaps God has a different plan for our life during singleness that would not be possible if married. As we continue to live in His purpose, we will discover the ways God has made us. If ever brought in the path of a good man, we will be able to continue to live on purpose, rather than begin. When we follow God’s purposes for my life, we don’t waste our current season, in the hope of a different one.  

3.)  We will become bitter and blind.

As a single that looks around and does not see any God fearing men, it can seem like no good men exist. We can begin to plague my language with “all men are like this” or “well, I guess this is as good as it gets”. These comments will cause us to be bitter towards our brothers in Christ. Whether a possibility towards a potential relationship or not, our brothers in Christ need our encouragement toward living the life God has called them to. When we say things like “guys will be guys”, we limit the God-given life that is possible for them. Bitterness expressed in words will leave our brothers in Christ feeling there is no use in trying to live out their calling. In addition, my language can put a blindfold over our eyes to see the good men that are already there. Spiteful language about “all men” can become a blinder to seeing the men who are living for the glory of God. David encourages us to “delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4 ESV). While I don’t think this verse means every single will get married, I do think God hears our prayers for a good man. Instead of speaking out against what we can’t see, let’s be in the business of praying for and speaking life to the good men we can see.

4.)  We will become prideful.

When we keep the conversation about the problems with men, we take the focus off our own sinful selves. The focus on the problems of someone else is a pride trap. This pride trip steers our eyes away from self-examination. If God has put a desire in our hearts for a good man, we should stay in prayer for this man. We should also be in prayer that we will be a good woman, who a good man would be interested in pursuing. There are certain things we are not active in examining in ourselves when our focus is on the problems of someone else. Paul says, “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:32). Instead of being worried about why the men around us aren’t what we are praying for, we should be attentive to being the woman of God who pleases the Lord.

If these good men are not abundant and seem to be in hiding, maybe we are not ready for a relationship. Perhaps God has a better plan for us in singleness than could be met in relationship. Maybe God is blessing us with additional time to get our vertical relationship right with Him before leading us to a good man. Whether or not we can understand the future of our singleness, we can trust our God who has good gifts for His children. In the meantime, we can pray for our brothers in Christ, as we strive to be the women God has called us to be.