When Your Relationship is an Idol

Caring, loving, self-sacrificing. Those are the words I would have used to describe the relationship I was in. Lonely, draining, and dependent. Those are the adjectives that characterized my past relationship. You see, at the time I would have identified my past relationship as healthy. The relationship I was in and you may be in was marked by patterns of co-dependency.

If you’ve never heard of co-dependency or don’t have a clear idea of what it is, BrittneyMoses defines it as, “anytime you begin to crave or need somebody’s attention, need their love, need their acknowledgement.” It is an endless cycle of allowing someone other than God to fill that empty place in your heart. Instead of a mutually-giving and taking relationship, co-dependency leads to an idol in your life: the other person.

From my experience, here are some warning signs that you/a friend may be in a co-dependent relationship:

-You stop spending time with family and friends to instead spend time with your partner.

-You deny that anything is wrong with your relationship, even when well-meaning friends and family mention otherwise.

-You feel most satisfied when this person needs you.

-You feel like you need this person’s permission to live your life and make decisions.

-The goal of making the other person happy is of number one importance in your life.

-Your relationship with God is put on hold, as your primary goal is to receive love and fulfillment from your partner.

-The convictions you used to hold are denied in order to stay with your partner.

-You always desire to know what your partner thinks of what you are doing.

-You only find satisfaction when you are around this person.

-It annoys you when people or things get in the way of you being with this person.

-Your emotional, physical, spiritual health is less important than the overall health of the other person.

-You make excuses for your significant other’s unhealthy behavior.

Love is not a feeling; it’s a choice.

There is scripture that so clearly illustrates what love is: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV). These scriptures are in such contrast to what co-dependency is. Co-dependency is demanding, self-serving, insistent, helpless, unrelenting, selfish and jealous. It is self-seeking in the sense that the person ends up running after the feeling of being loved. When you do whatever you can to get the next “emotional high”, you will make choices that are detrimental to your own health and well-being.

Only God can fulfill our hearts.

God demonstrates self-sacrifice in the way He loves us and sent His Son to die on the cross for our sins. In the same way, He desires that we follow His model in the way we love others by giving of ourselves. The problem with co-dependency is not that partners are not giving of themselves, but their purpose behind it is to gain acceptance and worth.  Only the love of the Lord can fill that God-shaped hole in our hearts. When we try to allow another fallen human do something only God can do, we sell ourselves short of the real thing. We become satisfied with a false alternative, which will only lead to greater emptiness.

Letting God be the one you need is essential to finding freedom from the addiction of needing someone else.

In my situation, God had to bring me to the point where I did not see the relationship I was in as healthy. At the time I did not see the full picture of how needy I was on another human being. I did not see that my focus was on letting another human be an idol in my life. It took God taking away what I thought was good and honestly being hurt by this. At the time, I couldn’t understand why something so good had ended. As God has been healing my heart of hurt, He has been reclaiming the place of Lord over my heart and life. Through this time, I have been able to see how much I really need God. I’ve learned that another human cannot satisfy me. I pray that if you or a friend are feeling gripped by the need to be loved or accepted by someone, God will bring you to a place where He is the only one who will satisfy you.    

What To Do When You Are Interested in The Wrong Guys

            There is this theme in movies that is appealing to girls: a bad boy will change because of a good girl. From “A Walk To Remember” to “10 Things I Hate About You”, female viewers are left feeling like there is hope in dating a bad boy. We believe this idea that if we are smart enough, interesting enough, important enough to this bad boy, we can make him good. What we often forget is that we are not the ones causing the change; God is the one who can change someone’s heart.  

            My crush on “bad boys” began in fifth grade. I always had my eye on the boy who would get in trouble and seem to be totally fine with it. Interestingly enough, fifth grade was around the time when I was introduced to my first romantic movie, “A Walk to Remember”. I was intrigued by the way Shane lived his life, without regard to authority. It excited me to see such “freedom” in living. Before I had Jesus as Lord of my life, I was drawn to rebellion. I had a rebellious spirit about me. I was a daughter of rebellion, attracted to disobedient living. 

Here are some things to do if you are interested in the wrong guys:

1.     Let God restructure your desires

As I have committed my life to Christ, He has restructured what I look for in a man. I consider my limited relationship experience in my life a blessing to me because I see it as God keeping me safe. I think God has kept me from the guys I thought I wanted to date. In the Psalm, David says, “You are a hiding place for me; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with shouts of deliverance” (Psalm 32:7 ESV). As I’ve developed a faith that is my own, God has been delivering me from my old ways of thinking into new ways that are shaped by Him.

2.     Keep your eyes open

The best advice my mom has ever given me is “keep your eyes open.” When getting to know a guy, especially, we have to keep our eyes open. Proverbs 16:17 says, “The highway of the upright is to depart from evil; He who keeps his way preserves his soul” (ESV). We should continually be moving away from evil, not towards it. If you discover a guy you are interested in has a past of habitual sin patterns, don’t be afraid to discuss this with him. Be open to ask the hard questions. Ask him when the last time he did ______ was. Ask him what he is doing to seek accountability. Ask him what kind of faith community he is a part of. As believers, we should be running from evil and towards Jesus. If you uncover that the guy you are interested in is still engaging in habitual sin patterns, just run. Girl, you are not in covenant with this guy. You do not have to stay with this guy if he has not dealt with his sin. When you don’t put your eggs all in one basket, you are able to see objectively the character of the guy you are considering.

3.     Let go of the “savior complex”

I recently listened to a Podcast episode that said that many guys are looking for a girl that has it all together so they can coast and rely on her goodness; similarly girls are looking for guys who they can fix. We are not meant to fix a guy we are dating. We are meant to go along beside this guy and serve the Lord with him. We are called to challenge each other to become more like Jesus. Ephesians 5:22-23 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior” (ESV). One day, the guy who becomes our husband will be the one we submit to. If we can’t trust the guy we are interested in now, who are we to say if that will change? How can we expect to joyfully submit to a husband we never trusted as a boyfriend? Only God can do the saving work in someone’s heart. If you are waiting for a guy to become “the one”, you may want to give him some space to seek God’s direction in his life.

4.     Surrender the fear

Often time, prolonged singleness can lead to fear. We fear that we will never get married. We fear we will never meet a good guy. We fear that something is wrong with us. Out of fear of passing time, we may begin to set an internal timetable. To reach the expected timeframe, we may unintentionally skim over important things. When we operate out of fear, a guy with multiple red flags can appear dateable. What once was a non-negotiable is suddenly back on the drawing board. David shows such confidence in God’s goodness and timing when he says, “Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind!” (Psalm 31:19). By giving God the fear over what may not be, it shows a fear in Him and a respect for His timing. You are showing Him that you thank Him for His timing, even when you don’t understand it.

In the midst of singleness, there will be days when we just want to give in. We may want to settle for less than God’s best in order to fill loneliness in our hearts. Instead of falling for this trap of temporary happiness, lets wait for a Godly man who we can glorify God with. Let’s let go of the reigns of our love life and give our desires to the one who put them there. Let’s make God-honoring decisions in our relationships, as a way of putting our most important relationship first.

The Problem With "The One"

"Have you found the one?" "Do you think he's the one?" "I think I've found the one for you." Every time I hear someone speak about finding “the one”, I inwardly cringe. From the time I was in middle school, I was lead to believe that there was this one guy who God had planned for me. Now, at 25 and still single, I wish that conversation had not been so ingrained in my head. I don’t believe there is such a thing as “the one”. Here are some reasons why I think we should stop talking about “the one”:

The idea of a soul mate or “other half” comes from Greek mythology. Part of the myth includes the idea that humans were split in half and lived their life in pursuit of their other half of their soul. If this ideology were true, we would be absolutely miserable if we did not find our other half. There would be no chance for purposeful living if purpose were contingent on finding another person to complete us. Also, what if that one person marries someone else? What if “the one” picks another one? There are too many “what ifs” for this way of thinking.

If we believe that there is only one possible person out there for us to marry, it also points to distrust in God’s sovereignty. In Christ, we are complete. Colossians 2:10 says we are “complete through [our] union with Christ.” If we have a relationship with Christ, we have enough. Christ + nothing=everything. This equation gives us no need for something extra to make us fulfilled, while on this Earth. God does not give us relationships because we need them; He gives them to us because they can be a tool to point others or us to the love of Jesus. 1 John 4:12 says that while no one has seen God, “if we love one another, God abides in us and His love is perfected in us.” This can apply to any type of human relationship: family, friend, dating, marriage. Whether in a season of having a romantic relationship or not, we should be able to say “Jesus, you are more than enough for me.”

The idea of "the one" will prove fallible when this "one" starts acting less dreamy than he did initially. We have bought into this lie that if we find our soulmate, we will have no problems in dating or marriage. As human, fallible, sinful beings, we are going to have problems in dating or marriage. Both parties are going to mess up, say the wrong thing, and hurt the other person. With the idea that there is only one person for us, we may run out on the relationship. We may think we have made the wrong choice and need to find the better one for us. Once you are in covenant marriage with another person, they are your only one for your life. Mark 10:9 says, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." We can fall in love with someone and all roads are pointing to them being perfect for us. Later when all walls are down and they start acting like their human-natured self, suddenly we think we must have made a mistake. If the person we choose is pursuing God with his whole heart and you have confirmation that he is trusting in God, then you choose love. Falling in love feelings fade, but the choice to love someone is a daily denial of self and surrender to a better plan God has for you.

When our focus is on finding “the one”, we stop working on ourselves. “The one” becomes an idol of our hearts. We begin pursuing this fantasy of finding "the one". Instead of focusing on finding “the one”, Steven Furtick says we should focus on “being the one”. We put so much energy and thought on this idea of this imaginary person that we forget that a real active God is in the process of pursuing us. He is making us into the woman of God that He wants us to be. 2 Corinthians 5:17 speaks of the new creation we are when we are in Christ. As a new creation, we are continually learning how to walk, talk, and behave in light of this new life.

God is putting new passions, goals, and attitudes in our hearts, as we yield our hearts to Him. We ought to pray that whoever is in our path would be able to see the work God is doing in our hearts. We should be praying that others can see that God is truly more than enough for us.