The Problem With "The One"

"Have you found the one?" "Do you think he's the one?" "I think I've found the one for you." Every time I hear someone speak about finding “the one”, I inwardly cringe. From the time I was in middle school, I was lead to believe that there was this one guy who God had planned for me. Now, at 25 and still single, I wish that conversation had not been so ingrained in my head. I don’t believe there is such a thing as “the one”. Here are some reasons why I think we should stop talking about “the one”:

The idea of a soul mate or “other half” comes from Greek mythology. Part of the myth includes the idea that humans were split in half and lived their life in pursuit of their other half of their soul. If this ideology were true, we would be absolutely miserable if we did not find our other half. There would be no chance for purposeful living if purpose were contingent on finding another person to complete us. Also, what if that one person marries someone else? What if “the one” picks another one? There are too many “what ifs” for this way of thinking.

If we believe that there is only one possible person out there for us to marry, it also points to distrust in God’s sovereignty. In Christ, we are complete. Colossians 2:10 says we are “complete through [our] union with Christ.” If we have a relationship with Christ, we have enough. Christ + nothing=everything. This equation gives us no need for something extra to make us fulfilled, while on this Earth. God does not give us relationships because we need them; He gives them to us because they can be a tool to point others or us to the love of Jesus. 1 John 4:12 says that while no one has seen God, “if we love one another, God abides in us and His love is perfected in us.” This can apply to any type of human relationship: family, friend, dating, marriage. Whether in a season of having a romantic relationship or not, we should be able to say “Jesus, you are more than enough for me.”

The idea of "the one" will prove fallible when this "one" starts acting less dreamy than he did initially. We have bought into this lie that if we find our soulmate, we will have no problems in dating or marriage. As human, fallible, sinful beings, we are going to have problems in dating or marriage. Both parties are going to mess up, say the wrong thing, and hurt the other person. With the idea that there is only one person for us, we may run out on the relationship. We may think we have made the wrong choice and need to find the better one for us. Once you are in covenant marriage with another person, they are your only one for your life. Mark 10:9 says, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." We can fall in love with someone and all roads are pointing to them being perfect for us. Later when all walls are down and they start acting like their human-natured self, suddenly we think we must have made a mistake. If the person we choose is pursuing God with his whole heart and you have confirmation that he is trusting in God, then you choose love. Falling in love feelings fade, but the choice to love someone is a daily denial of self and surrender to a better plan God has for you.

When our focus is on finding “the one”, we stop working on ourselves. “The one” becomes an idol of our hearts. We begin pursuing this fantasy of finding "the one". Instead of focusing on finding “the one”, Steven Furtick says we should focus on “being the one”. We put so much energy and thought on this idea of this imaginary person that we forget that a real active God is in the process of pursuing us. He is making us into the woman of God that He wants us to be. 2 Corinthians 5:17 speaks of the new creation we are when we are in Christ. As a new creation, we are continually learning how to walk, talk, and behave in light of this new life.

God is putting new passions, goals, and attitudes in our hearts, as we yield our hearts to Him. We ought to pray that whoever is in our path would be able to see the work God is doing in our hearts. We should be praying that others can see that God is truly more than enough for us.