4 Misconceptions About Forgiveness

I was hurt. I said I had forgiven the person. I knew it was wrong for me to hold on to unforgiveness. I told myself I had forgiven the person who had wronged me, but feelings of bitterness arose when I thought about the person. I did not feel I had been treated fairly and wanted the other person to acknowledge their wrong doings toward me. In those moments, I was holding tightly to a lot of the misconceptions that the world teaches:

Misconception #1: You can only forgive someone if you forget about the wrong they’ve done to you, first.

I’ve heard forgiveness is contingent upon forgetting the offence first. They say that only when you forget the past can you really forgive someone. At that point, are you really extending forgiveness? They say time heals all wounds. I can’t believe this for I’ve met people who can extensively recall a past hurt, but can’t remember what they had for lunch.

Forgiveness does not erase the memories of what has been done. Forgiveness gives us a new context to see the free woman we are in Christ; we no longer claim the identity of a victim. When we consider the Gospel, we remember that Christ kept no record of wrongs. On the cross being crucified for crimes He didn’t commit, Jesus prayed to Heaven, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34 NIV). The Savior of the World was taking on the weight and shame of the sins of you and I. In that moment, Jesus extended the greatest act of love ever recorded. As Christ followers, can we see through a new lens of forgiveness by glancing on the Cross of Calvary?

Misconception #2: You are entitled to keep forgiveness from someone.

An idea exists that you are entitled to keep forgiveness from someone. It’s almost as if we get to decide the people who deserve our forgiveness. We have this imaginary scale and if the scale of wrong is too heavy, our conscious is clear. If the Lord treated us that way, none of us would deserve to be forgiven. Jesus, in His own words, makes it very clear that forgiveness is required if we wish to be forgiven by our Father: “For if you forgive others their offenses, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father will not forgive your offenses” (Matthew 6:14-15 CSB). How can we withhold the one thing that we desire so much for ourselves? Out of a thankful heart for how God continues to forgive, how can we refuse this gift? God is in the business of bringing sinful people back to Himself. The Gospel of Grace reminds us that we don’t deserve favor from God, but He freely gives. Our desire should be to extend forgiveness over the little stuff and the major stuff. May our understanding of the Gospel lead us to pursuing a life of forgiveness.

Misconception #3: Forgiving someone means you desire to keep the relationship with the person you are forgiving.

I’ve heard it said that you should only forgive someone with the goal of keeping the relationship. In other words, if someone is not going to be in your life, it is unnecessary to offer forgiveness to him or her.  By trying to decide who is worthy of forgiveness, we are taking God’s role as judge. We are in essence saying we do not trust God to bring justice, one day. The Apostle Paul deals with this issue in Romans, “Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for God’s wrath, because it is written, Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord” (Romans 12:19 CSB). By forgiving as Jesus said to, we are saying that we acknowledge God’s role in bringing justice in due time.

There is a difference between forgiving someone and continuing to trust them. If someone repeatedly hurts you, it is unwise to place yourself in the reach to continue to be hurt by him or her. Forgiveness does not have to result in more time with the person. In some cases, forgiveness may not even be vocalized to the offender. If you are no longer in contact with the person due to broken ties or a possibility for hurt, forgiveness may look different.

Recently, forgiveness took on the form of a letter for me. I no longer had contact with someone I longed to forgive. Instead of speaking to the person in person and bringing up past wounds, I wrote a letter to the person. It was never sent, but the Lord sent healing to my heart. The action of writing down verses of prayer for this person left me no longer feeling bitterness. I released my feelings of hurt to God. I let God do any cleansing work in this person’s life. I felt a sense of peace, knowing that I no longer held the actions of the past against the person.

We can release the bitterness in our hearts when we are “forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 NIV). We have the ability to walk in freedom when we leave the justice to the great judge.

Misconception #4: Forgiveness is not possible.

When we say forgiveness is not possible, we are excusing our resentment toward someone. We are letting our feelings determine whether we will choose to forgive. Our heart wants to hold onto bitterness and anger as a way of letting others know what they did to us. What is killing us on the inside out can be released. Our flesh holds onto negative feelings, but “the mind governed by the Holy Spirit is life and peace” (Romans 8:6 NIV). Forgiveness is not a feeling. Forgiveness may result in feeling, but it has to begin with a desire to honor God. We have to ask God to give us the power to forgive someone. If we try to forgive in our own abilities and “want to”, it will not be possible. Forgiveness is more for us than the other person. The other person may gain nothing from our forgiveness. We receive freedom to invest in new relationships. We do not have the weight of past hurt threatening to sabotage new relationships. The refusal to forgive is a way of clinging to the ways of the flesh, the old life. To acknowledge that forgiveness is possible is to allow the Holy Spirit to transform us from the inside out.

It has taken me quite a long time to move past the hurt and gain the gift that forgiveness brings to my heart. Over time, I have learned that it is not my job to decide who deserves forgiveness. None of us deserve forgiveness, yet God freely forgives us from our sinful behavior. The action of forgiveness does not undo what has been done. It does not negate the wrongs that have been done. What forgiveness does do is open our heart to freedom. Let God deal with the sins of the offender and be open to the redemptive power of forgiveness.