Coming to Terms with Anxiety

              Sometimes it’s the never-ending thoughts that you keep mulling over in your head throughout the day. Sometimes it’s the things you just can’t let go, no matter how many times well-meaning loved ones tell you to “take it easy”. Sometimes it’s the lack of decision making for fear that the decision you make will be wrong. Sometimes it’s the gut-wrenching feeling that will not leave. Sometimes it’s just a feeling of panic for seemingly no reason at all. If any of this has been your reality, you know that anxiety can leave you desiring some relief.

              I have had spouts of anxiety my whole life. When in different situations, for what seemed like no reason at all, I have broken out in a sweat, lose my appetite, felt nauseous, forgot what I was going to say, etc. I have felt crippled by this feeling that I wasn’t able to shake. In those anxious moments, it was as if a “different me” was thinking, feeling, and experiencing life. It never struck me as unusual that I couldn’t experience things the way other people could. Without knowing it, anxiety was my normal. It wasn’t until the symptoms intensified and grew more regular that I was able to come to terms with my condition.

              As my commitments and stressors increased in college, so did my anxiety. There would be days where I would long for class to be over, just so I could go back to my dorm room and take a nap. Naps are great and all, but when they are a way for you to escape all your thoughts, that’s when it becomes an issue. During my last year in college, I began to lose interest in things I loved, lose my appetite, and lose my overall enjoyment for life. My WebMD-loving self looked up my symptoms to reveal that I had everything from typhoid fever to thyroid cancer. Upon visiting a local doctor, I was told I had a “little stress”. I was still in denial that anything was seriously wrong, at that point. It would take experiencing even more serious symptoms for me to realize that I needed help.

              In the past three years, my symptoms of anxiety have served as a wake-up call to me. I have experienced panic attacks, at the onset of extreme stress. There have been moments when my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. While none of these things have happened simultaneously, it has still remained a question of “when will I feel bad again?”

              On one particularly stressful day, all my symptoms seemed to be hitting at the same time. I had had enough and decided it was time to go to the doctor, which led to a visit to the emergency room. After many tests and questions, the doctor sent me home with a “We don’t know what’s wrong, but there’s nothing we can treat” diagnosis. After some self-examination and further Googling of my symptoms, I knew I could deny it no longer: I had anxiety.

I didn’t want to have anxiety. From what I had gathered, admission of anxiety meant:

1.       My faith wasn’t strong enough

2.       I didn’t have control

3.       I wasn’t doing something right

4.       I didn’t have a strong enough faith life

5.       I wasn’t giving my life to God

6.       I couldn’t be used by God anymore

My ignorance of mental health led to some very unhealthy feelings about my anxiety. We are not supposed to “have it together” when we come to Jesus with our brokenness. Psalm 34:18 says “The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit.” God didn’t need me to understand the reason behind my anxiety. He didn’t need me to have it together before I came to Him for healing. He wanted renewed relationship with me. The longer I put off getting help because I was denying my problem, the longer I had less communication with God. This “come to Jesus” meeting led me down a road of managing my anxiety.

              If you are in a lonely place with anxious thoughts and it feels like there is no escape, hold tight to hope. Psalm 13:2 starts out with David saying, “How long will I store up anxious concerns within me, agony in my mind every day?” Later on, he sings “I have trusted in your faithful love; my heart will rejoice in your deliverance. I will sing to the Lord because He has treated me generously.” I think deliverance from anxiety is found when we lay down our need to know “why” and look to “who” can heal us. When we come to terms with our reality, we can bring it truthfully to God. This road of healing has many paths, some of which I will discuss on later posts. Know that you are loved and treasured by your Creator.