No Illegal Emotional Dumping

           

             Vent. Rant and rave. Blow off steam. Go off on a tangent. However you choose to speak about it, emotional dumping can cause your listening friend angst. A healthy friendship allows trust to discuss issues. The issue comes when time with a friend feels a bit more like a therapy session than a mutual conversation. To prevent either party feeling like the recipient of an emotional dump, lets consider:

Motive:

            Before we go to unleash the latest trouble in our world, lets consider our motive behind sharing. Are we looking for encouragement and empathy by going to our friend? Is there a solution to this problem that we already know of or one that could be gained from talking to our friend? On the contrary, are we hoping for pity and validation? Are we looking for someone to join us in our misery? What we say affects others. When we are “down in the dumps”, lets not bring a friend with us to share in our sorrow. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 speaks to the purpose of friendship: 

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

We ought to look to a friend who points us to the God who picks us back up and seek to be that friend.

Season of Friend:

Is my friend at a place where she can uplift me and point me back to God? Proverbs 27:17 speaks of “iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” When I go to a friend who is strong in her faith, I expect her to strengthen me with Biblical truth. I expect that she will challenge me when I am not in line with the faith that I claim. Likewise, I should be willing to be that to my friend when she comes to me with her own troubles. Am I considering my friend’s problems? Is she going through a similarly hard patch? Did my friend just lose her job and I am complaining about my job? Friendship is meant to be give and take. If either party is doing more giving or taking in conversation, I need to set boundaries or consider speaking to someone else. Let’s be gracious when we seek support and share our struggles.

Severity of Situation:

            At some point, we have to recognize that our friends are not meant to be our therapists. Some issues go beyond our friend’s capabilities. A friend may be too invested in us to speak objectively to our issues. A friend may not have ever dealt with the trying situation being placed on us. The most loving thing we may be told by a friend or tell to a friend could be that counseling is an option. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” The most loving thing we can do may be supporting a friend in pursuing a good counselor. We can earnest pray for a friend while she seeks out more intensive support.  

            Friendship is tricky and boundaries can easily be crossed. When we unleash our problems on others, we may be hurting our friendships. The command in John 15:12, “Love each other as I have loved you”, causes us to think about others before ourselves. If our conversations are placing an unfair burden on our friends, we need to conceal the emotional dump before it makes our friendship reek.

Take “If” Out Of The Equation

Do you remember that game called 20 Questions? My friends and I used to play it in middle school. If it’s been a little while and you’ve forgotten, you have a questioner who asks questions to a partner about an object; through “yes” or “no” answers the questioner tries to uncover what the object is. The questioner will ask things like “Is it a food?” or “Can it talk?” The tricky part of this game is you only get to ask 20 questions to uncover the mystery object. I’ve noticed that my faith can be like this with God. When I don’t know God’s specific plan for my life, my conversations with Him will go a bit like a round of 20 Questions. I will begin to ask God things like “Does your plan include staying in Jacksonville?”, “Does your plan include me going on the mission field?, or “Does your plan include marriage in my future?” It’s as if we are determining our obedience to Christ on our conditions. We have added a “I will follow you if…” clause to our faith. We have added an “if” into our expression of faith that does not need to be there.

Werriam Webster defines conditional as “showing or used to show that something is true or happens only IF something else is true or happens” (my emphasis added). We can become conditional in our faith when we base our obedience on God’s answering correctly to our 20 (many times more!) questions.

When I was thinking about the topic of unconditional faith, the story of Abraham and Isaac popped into my head. Most of us know the basic storyline from Sunday School flannelgraphs:

Beginning: God asks Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on the altar.

Middle: Abraham prepares the altar with his only son, Isaac, atop it.

End: Abraham is about to slaughter his only son when God steps in and offers a ram in Isaac’s place.

When I went back to the story, I found some more details that make Abraham’s obedience even more remarkable.

1.    Faith is not without trial-  One chapter before the sacrifice scene, God tells Abraham that he would bring forth a great nation through Isaac, Abraham’s only son. Later on after Isaac has grown up, God asks Abraham to take “your only son Isaac, whom you love, go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about” (Genesis 22:2) In asking Abraham to do this, it almost seems as if God is negating His covenant promise given to Abraham when Isaac was born. To any parent hearing this, it would be an absolute tragedy; this had to be true especially to one who was much older in age, with no hope of a future child.

2.    Timely obedience-  Upon hearing of God’s command, Abrham “rose up early in the morning”. Abraham was prompt in his obedience. He did not sit around and ask God “why?” or “how?”, but took the steps of faith quickly.

3.     Serving God in the details-  The journey to Moriah took three days. I can’t imagine all the sorrow Abraham had to be feeling. The way Abraham responded when the travelers arrived in Moriah stood out to me the most. Abraham did not obey in emotional blunder, but with clarity got to work preparing the altar with Isaac. The actions of Abraham seem almost precise in the way they are recorded: “And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering, and laid it upon Isaac his son; and he took the fire in his hand, and a knife;”

4.     Complete trust in the character of God- When Isaac asked his father where the lamb was to be sacrificed, Abraham responded in complete trust in God: “My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering”. I wonder if Abraham remembered the way God had been there for Sarah, in providing her with a son past her childbearing age. He seems to recall the character of God from past encounters with God.

5.     Remembering the truth of the Gospel-  Once Abraham had Isaac on the altar ready to kill his only son, God stepped in. While we have read the story and have the spoiler alert, Abraham did not know how God was going to step in. This story can remind us of the truth of the Gospel; it can remind us of the way God sent Jesus to step in to take the place for our sin and shame. Charles Spurgeon commented, “This incident a type of the Father going with the Son and the Son going with the Father up to the great sacrifice on Calvary. It was not Christ alone who willingly died, or the Father alone who gave his Son, but they went both of them together, even as Abraham and Isaac did here.”

Abraham did not ask how God was going to make a way when there seemed to be no way. Abraham didn’t refuse obedience when his circumstances certainly didn’t make sense. Abraham did not become conditional in his decision to follow God. When we recall the way God provided for us even while we were not yet known, we can remember the way He has, does, and always will provide for us.

God tested Abraham’s obedience by putting him in a situation in which he could have doubted God’s goodness. He could have said “I will follow you if you don’t take away my only son.” He could have offered “I will trust you if you show me how this is going to work out.” Instead of that, Abraham’s actions seemed to be saying “I will follow You in spite of the conditions of your command” and “I will trust you in the midst of uncertainty and despair”. Abraham’s faith withstood God’s test of his faith. He was obedient in the minute details, timely action, and reminding Himself of who God was. I think maybe God withholds some information about the future from us because it causes us to trust His provision. It causes us to trust Him in taking that next step, while not knowing where the path may lead us. I love what Habakkuk 3: 17-19 shows about trusting God’s provision without any conditions: “Though the fig tree should not blossom And there be no fruit on the vines, Though the yield of the olive should fail And the fields produce no food, Though the flock should be cut off from the fold And there be no cattle in the stalls, Yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet, And make me walk on my high places.” So lets go walking with God into uncharted land and let Him take care of the outcome.