What To Do When You Are Interested in The Wrong Guys

            There is this theme in movies that is appealing to girls: a bad boy will change because of a good girl. From “A Walk To Remember” to “10 Things I Hate About You”, female viewers are left feeling like there is hope in dating a bad boy. We believe this idea that if we are smart enough, interesting enough, important enough to this bad boy, we can make him good. What we often forget is that we are not the ones causing the change; God is the one who can change someone’s heart.  

            My crush on “bad boys” began in fifth grade. I always had my eye on the boy who would get in trouble and seem to be totally fine with it. Interestingly enough, fifth grade was around the time when I was introduced to my first romantic movie, “A Walk to Remember”. I was intrigued by the way Shane lived his life, without regard to authority. It excited me to see such “freedom” in living. Before I had Jesus as Lord of my life, I was drawn to rebellion. I had a rebellious spirit about me. I was a daughter of rebellion, attracted to disobedient living. 

Here are some things to do if you are interested in the wrong guys:

1.     Let God restructure your desires

As I have committed my life to Christ, He has restructured what I look for in a man. I consider my limited relationship experience in my life a blessing to me because I see it as God keeping me safe. I think God has kept me from the guys I thought I wanted to date. In the Psalm, David says, “You are a hiding place for me; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with shouts of deliverance” (Psalm 32:7 ESV). As I’ve developed a faith that is my own, God has been delivering me from my old ways of thinking into new ways that are shaped by Him.

2.     Keep your eyes open

The best advice my mom has ever given me is “keep your eyes open.” When getting to know a guy, especially, we have to keep our eyes open. Proverbs 16:17 says, “The highway of the upright is to depart from evil; He who keeps his way preserves his soul” (ESV). We should continually be moving away from evil, not towards it. If you discover a guy you are interested in has a past of habitual sin patterns, don’t be afraid to discuss this with him. Be open to ask the hard questions. Ask him when the last time he did ______ was. Ask him what he is doing to seek accountability. Ask him what kind of faith community he is a part of. As believers, we should be running from evil and towards Jesus. If you uncover that the guy you are interested in is still engaging in habitual sin patterns, just run. Girl, you are not in covenant with this guy. You do not have to stay with this guy if he has not dealt with his sin. When you don’t put your eggs all in one basket, you are able to see objectively the character of the guy you are considering.

3.     Let go of the “savior complex”

I recently listened to a Podcast episode that said that many guys are looking for a girl that has it all together so they can coast and rely on her goodness; similarly girls are looking for guys who they can fix. We are not meant to fix a guy we are dating. We are meant to go along beside this guy and serve the Lord with him. We are called to challenge each other to become more like Jesus. Ephesians 5:22-23 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior” (ESV). One day, the guy who becomes our husband will be the one we submit to. If we can’t trust the guy we are interested in now, who are we to say if that will change? How can we expect to joyfully submit to a husband we never trusted as a boyfriend? Only God can do the saving work in someone’s heart. If you are waiting for a guy to become “the one”, you may want to give him some space to seek God’s direction in his life.

4.     Surrender the fear

Often time, prolonged singleness can lead to fear. We fear that we will never get married. We fear we will never meet a good guy. We fear that something is wrong with us. Out of fear of passing time, we may begin to set an internal timetable. To reach the expected timeframe, we may unintentionally skim over important things. When we operate out of fear, a guy with multiple red flags can appear dateable. What once was a non-negotiable is suddenly back on the drawing board. David shows such confidence in God’s goodness and timing when he says, “Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind!” (Psalm 31:19). By giving God the fear over what may not be, it shows a fear in Him and a respect for His timing. You are showing Him that you thank Him for His timing, even when you don’t understand it.

In the midst of singleness, there will be days when we just want to give in. We may want to settle for less than God’s best in order to fill loneliness in our hearts. Instead of falling for this trap of temporary happiness, lets wait for a Godly man who we can glorify God with. Let’s let go of the reigns of our love life and give our desires to the one who put them there. Let’s make God-honoring decisions in our relationships, as a way of putting our most important relationship first.