Perfection is Not A Pre-Requisite For Calling

Perfectionism is a trap that women easily get caught in. For the purpose of this entry, lets define perfectionism as the endless pursuit for better than our best. There are many times when I have caught myself trying to outdo myself in an attempt to be perfect. We so quickly discount our best as “could be better”, as we compare to someone else’s best. We discount our “good enough” as “never enough”. This “never enough” mindset leads us on an endless chase. It is exhausting to be more than God has called us to. We need to say “enough!” to perfectionism.

Here are some reasons why perfection is not worth pursuing:

-It will never end. The pursuit for perfection will never end. We will keep doing more and more. We will become unsatisfied with our best. When achieve one goal, it will lead to the next goal. Solomon spoke of what we should be in pursuit of. He said, “Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness will find life, righteousness, and honor” (Proverbs 21: 21). Righteousness and kindness are God-centered; what can Christ do to make me better? The way of perfection is me-centered; what can I do to be better? In a world that desires to distract us with the temporary, may we follow the things that will never fade.

-It will prevent us from feeling qualified: Perfectionism can make us feel like we must do or be things as a pre-requisite for being chosen. We may say “no” to a call on our life from the Holy Spirit because we don’t feel qualified. We may feel like we have to do and be x, y, and z before we are able to be enough. We are qualified in Christ. Paul says, “Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God” (2 Corinthians 3:5 ESV). Our sufficiency comes from our Father. This stands in stark contrast with perfectionism, which says that I can do anything better because of me. When we can realize who makes us complete, we will say “yes” to the things God has called us to.

-It will cause us to be critical: When I think about people in the Bible who expected perfection, I think about the Judaizers. The Judaizers thought that only people who were circumcised to receive salvation. By keeping the law, the Judaizers believed they were qualified to follow Jesus. Peter does the unthinkable when he goes and spends time fellowshipping with the Gentiles, uncircumcised people. When Peter goes to talk to the church, “the circumcision party criticized him, saying ‘You went to the uncircumcised men and ate with them’” (Acts 11:2-3 ESV). We develop a critical spirit when we start to think that perfection is necessary.

-It will lead to procrastination: Often times, I have procrastinated starting something for fear it won’t be to the highest standard. I have put off blog posts for fear it would turn out less than perfect.  In essence, I have put off the calling God has for my words for fear they won’t sound good enough. If God has called me to something, He will equip me to complete it. Paul speaks of the way the Word of God trains the believer with the tools for the task. He says, “All scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3:16-17 ESV). According to Merriam Webster, the word “equip” means to “furnish for service or action”. Let’s let God do the work of preparing us for the task He has for us.

-It doesn’t last: The greatest things on Earth found in nature, understanding, and relationships have limits. The things that give us Earthly enjoyment have an expiration date. The Word of God, in contrast, has eternal value. The unnamed author of Psalm 119 says, “I have seen a limit to all perfection, but your commandment is exceedingly broad” (Psalm 119:96 ESV).  I desire to keep my focus on things that are important to God. I don’t want to get caught up in things that are temporary.

At some time in our life, we are all going to feel not “enough”. When we say “enough!” to perfectionism, I think we will really see that we are enough in Christ. The things we were trying to perfect at were really restricting us from doing the things that God has called us to do. When we lay our perfectionism at the feet of Jesus, He can begin equipping us with the attitudes that will lead to worthy living. We can begin to say “yes” to the things that might be scary because we know that God is making us qualified for the task.

4 Misconceptions About Forgiveness

I was hurt. I said I had forgiven the person. I knew it was wrong for me to hold on to unforgiveness. I told myself I had forgiven the person who had wronged me, but feelings of bitterness arose when I thought about the person. I did not feel I had been treated fairly and wanted the other person to acknowledge their wrong doings toward me. In those moments, I was holding tightly to a lot of the misconceptions that the world teaches:

Misconception #1: You can only forgive someone if you forget about the wrong they’ve done to you, first.

I’ve heard forgiveness is contingent upon forgetting the offence first. They say that only when you forget the past can you really forgive someone. At that point, are you really extending forgiveness? They say time heals all wounds. I can’t believe this for I’ve met people who can extensively recall a past hurt, but can’t remember what they had for lunch.

Forgiveness does not erase the memories of what has been done. Forgiveness gives us a new context to see the free woman we are in Christ; we no longer claim the identity of a victim. When we consider the Gospel, we remember that Christ kept no record of wrongs. On the cross being crucified for crimes He didn’t commit, Jesus prayed to Heaven, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34 NIV). The Savior of the World was taking on the weight and shame of the sins of you and I. In that moment, Jesus extended the greatest act of love ever recorded. As Christ followers, can we see through a new lens of forgiveness by glancing on the Cross of Calvary?

Misconception #2: You are entitled to keep forgiveness from someone.

An idea exists that you are entitled to keep forgiveness from someone. It’s almost as if we get to decide the people who deserve our forgiveness. We have this imaginary scale and if the scale of wrong is too heavy, our conscious is clear. If the Lord treated us that way, none of us would deserve to be forgiven. Jesus, in His own words, makes it very clear that forgiveness is required if we wish to be forgiven by our Father: “For if you forgive others their offenses, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father will not forgive your offenses” (Matthew 6:14-15 CSB). How can we withhold the one thing that we desire so much for ourselves? Out of a thankful heart for how God continues to forgive, how can we refuse this gift? God is in the business of bringing sinful people back to Himself. The Gospel of Grace reminds us that we don’t deserve favor from God, but He freely gives. Our desire should be to extend forgiveness over the little stuff and the major stuff. May our understanding of the Gospel lead us to pursuing a life of forgiveness.

Misconception #3: Forgiving someone means you desire to keep the relationship with the person you are forgiving.

I’ve heard it said that you should only forgive someone with the goal of keeping the relationship. In other words, if someone is not going to be in your life, it is unnecessary to offer forgiveness to him or her.  By trying to decide who is worthy of forgiveness, we are taking God’s role as judge. We are in essence saying we do not trust God to bring justice, one day. The Apostle Paul deals with this issue in Romans, “Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for God’s wrath, because it is written, Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord” (Romans 12:19 CSB). By forgiving as Jesus said to, we are saying that we acknowledge God’s role in bringing justice in due time.

There is a difference between forgiving someone and continuing to trust them. If someone repeatedly hurts you, it is unwise to place yourself in the reach to continue to be hurt by him or her. Forgiveness does not have to result in more time with the person. In some cases, forgiveness may not even be vocalized to the offender. If you are no longer in contact with the person due to broken ties or a possibility for hurt, forgiveness may look different.

Recently, forgiveness took on the form of a letter for me. I no longer had contact with someone I longed to forgive. Instead of speaking to the person in person and bringing up past wounds, I wrote a letter to the person. It was never sent, but the Lord sent healing to my heart. The action of writing down verses of prayer for this person left me no longer feeling bitterness. I released my feelings of hurt to God. I let God do any cleansing work in this person’s life. I felt a sense of peace, knowing that I no longer held the actions of the past against the person.

We can release the bitterness in our hearts when we are “forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 NIV). We have the ability to walk in freedom when we leave the justice to the great judge.

Misconception #4: Forgiveness is not possible.

When we say forgiveness is not possible, we are excusing our resentment toward someone. We are letting our feelings determine whether we will choose to forgive. Our heart wants to hold onto bitterness and anger as a way of letting others know what they did to us. What is killing us on the inside out can be released. Our flesh holds onto negative feelings, but “the mind governed by the Holy Spirit is life and peace” (Romans 8:6 NIV). Forgiveness is not a feeling. Forgiveness may result in feeling, but it has to begin with a desire to honor God. We have to ask God to give us the power to forgive someone. If we try to forgive in our own abilities and “want to”, it will not be possible. Forgiveness is more for us than the other person. The other person may gain nothing from our forgiveness. We receive freedom to invest in new relationships. We do not have the weight of past hurt threatening to sabotage new relationships. The refusal to forgive is a way of clinging to the ways of the flesh, the old life. To acknowledge that forgiveness is possible is to allow the Holy Spirit to transform us from the inside out.

It has taken me quite a long time to move past the hurt and gain the gift that forgiveness brings to my heart. Over time, I have learned that it is not my job to decide who deserves forgiveness. None of us deserve forgiveness, yet God freely forgives us from our sinful behavior. The action of forgiveness does not undo what has been done. It does not negate the wrongs that have been done. What forgiveness does do is open our heart to freedom. Let God deal with the sins of the offender and be open to the redemptive power of forgiveness.

Practical Ways to Manage Anxiety

The ways of anxiety are confusing and hard to break. I talked last week in Coming to Terms With Anxiety about the difficulty of acknowledging that anxiety has a grip on me. After coming to terms with this condition, it is even more challenging to figure out how to manage it. For a long time, I was told to “let it go” or “give it to God”. While this advice is good in theory, it is difficult to figure out in practical terms what it means. This week, I wanted to give a list of some things that have helped me manage my anxiety.

First of all, it is important to know what anxiety is. In order to figure out why I thought the way I did, I had to know what kind of battle was going on in my mind. The longer I stayed ignorant about the way my mind was processing things, the longer I couldn’t reclaim my life.

When I began researching anxiety, I noticed these recurring ideas about what anxiety is:

-"anxiety is more visceral in that we feel it throughout our bodies" Psychology Today

-"often triggers which can make your anxiety worse or increase the probability you'll experience anxiety" Anxiety.org

-"feelings of dread, distress, or agitation for no discernible reason" Anxiety.org

             Something I realized was anxiety was not helpful. Thoughts that dominate anxiety are crippling. While worry seems to help us get a job done and often motivates us to work at something, anxiety was debilitating. I started to see that the types of thoughts I was thinking were not allowing me to live the productive life I wanted to live. Unlike worry, I couldn’t just tell myself to stop thinking a certain way. Therefore, I had to start by realizing that anxiety was not something I could will out of myself. I would need to put some work into figuring out the “why” and “how” of anxiety.

I needed to identify the things in my life that triggered the feelings of anxiety. I needed to reprogram my thoughts. I needed to seek help from someone who could objectively speak to my situation. I needed to keep my mind on the truth of God.

The first thing I did was begin to take note of the times in my day in which my anxiety seemed to “act up” the most. I started to see a pattern: when I felt a lack of control, my thoughts seemed to “run wild”. It would cause me to assume the worst. I would begin to fear something that was totally unreasonable. My triggers seemed to be areas in my life where I didn’t seem to have the answer.

Once I had a running list of areas in which my anxiety hit worse, I began to identify what things in these situations were in my control and what things were not. I had to be really honest with myself about what was able to be helped by my actions and what was not. My counselor helped me with this process (I’ll talk more about that, later). As I began to acknowledge my role in uncontrollable situations, I began the process of letting go of things that were out of my control.

Despite the progress I was making with identifying problem areas, I still needed help with my thoughts. While I understood that I couldn’t tell myself to stop thinking things, I needed something to replace those controlling thoughts with. I found out that I could fill my mind with things that turned my focus off myself and to God. My previous thoughts were negative and generally assumed the worst. They were usually selfish, assuming that everyone and everything was out to get me. Often times, I couldn’t even pray over my situation because I felt so far away from God. At points during the beginning of healing, I had no appetite (for physical or spiritual food). I didn’t see God as helping me with the moments of panic. I couldn’t understand why a God who loved me so much would allow me to feel such physical pain. My selfish thoughts were preventing me from seeing that God loved me and had a better plan for me.

One way I filled my mind with a correct view of God was to speak truth over myself. God’s Word is truth and life (John 17:17). When my mind was telling me lies about who God was and how He was in control, I had to be ready with scriptural affirmations. There is a really great list of scriptural affirmations if you sign up for 7 Day Anxiety Detox E-series, by Brittney Moses, a blogger about faith and mental wellness. 

One really powerful thing that helped me was prayer journaling. Prayer journaling allowed me to be real with God on a level I had never had. I have worked on praying in the past, but had never been 100% authentic in the words I said. I would often understate my struggles as a way of maintaining control over my situation. By writing down my struggles on paper, I was forced to be honest with God. There is this necessity for transparency when I saw my words written on a page. Prayer journaling also allowed me to rehearse the truth that I was filling my heart with. As I wrote out God’s truth on the pages, they were being etched into my heart. Prayer journaling for me was an intentional way of honestly opening up to God and proclaiming truth to myself.

The last thing that really helped my progress was to see a Christian Counselor. The reason I even mention that my counselor was Christian is because the way your life views are a reflection of who you claim as Lord. I didn’t want to be getting advice on something related to my mental health by someone who didn’t acknowledge that there was a spiritual aspect to anxiety. I have to be honest that seeing a counselor was not the first thing on my agenda. There is a lot of stigma in the Christian community towards counseling that I think needs to be removed. In my case, an objective trained person helping me get to the root of my thoughts was critical to my progress. I needed someone to look at my situation and see the things that I was unwilling to look at. My counselor helped me come to terms with my anxiety and see how it was related to my spiritual health. In addition, my counselor gave me really practical day-to-day strategies for prevention and intervention. I will continue to rally for Christians to see counselors, when necessary.

While I have a much better handle on my anxious thoughts and behaviors, I am still vulnerable. My mind wants to revert back to the distress I used to embrace. I want to act out of fear, rather than faith. God has not given me a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). I am still learning how to acknowledge my mental health issues, yet live in confidence that there is relief. I do not have to be defined by anxiety, anymore. I pray that anyone who is struggling with this will realize that there are others who have gone or are going through this. There is no shame is realizing you have anxiety. When you release your fears of judgment or shame, you can finally begin the road to management.

Coming to Terms with Anxiety

              Sometimes it’s the never-ending thoughts that you keep mulling over in your head throughout the day. Sometimes it’s the things you just can’t let go, no matter how many times well-meaning loved ones tell you to “take it easy”. Sometimes it’s the lack of decision making for fear that the decision you make will be wrong. Sometimes it’s the gut-wrenching feeling that will not leave. Sometimes it’s just a feeling of panic for seemingly no reason at all. If any of this has been your reality, you know that anxiety can leave you desiring some relief.

              I have had spouts of anxiety my whole life. When in different situations, for what seemed like no reason at all, I have broken out in a sweat, lose my appetite, felt nauseous, forgot what I was going to say, etc. I have felt crippled by this feeling that I wasn’t able to shake. In those anxious moments, it was as if a “different me” was thinking, feeling, and experiencing life. It never struck me as unusual that I couldn’t experience things the way other people could. Without knowing it, anxiety was my normal. It wasn’t until the symptoms intensified and grew more regular that I was able to come to terms with my condition.

              As my commitments and stressors increased in college, so did my anxiety. There would be days where I would long for class to be over, just so I could go back to my dorm room and take a nap. Naps are great and all, but when they are a way for you to escape all your thoughts, that’s when it becomes an issue. During my last year in college, I began to lose interest in things I loved, lose my appetite, and lose my overall enjoyment for life. My WebMD-loving self looked up my symptoms to reveal that I had everything from typhoid fever to thyroid cancer. Upon visiting a local doctor, I was told I had a “little stress”. I was still in denial that anything was seriously wrong, at that point. It would take experiencing even more serious symptoms for me to realize that I needed help.

              In the past three years, my symptoms of anxiety have served as a wake-up call to me. I have experienced panic attacks, at the onset of extreme stress. There have been moments when my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. While none of these things have happened simultaneously, it has still remained a question of “when will I feel bad again?”

              On one particularly stressful day, all my symptoms seemed to be hitting at the same time. I had had enough and decided it was time to go to the doctor, which led to a visit to the emergency room. After many tests and questions, the doctor sent me home with a “We don’t know what’s wrong, but there’s nothing we can treat” diagnosis. After some self-examination and further Googling of my symptoms, I knew I could deny it no longer: I had anxiety.

I didn’t want to have anxiety. From what I had gathered, admission of anxiety meant:

1.       My faith wasn’t strong enough

2.       I didn’t have control

3.       I wasn’t doing something right

4.       I didn’t have a strong enough faith life

5.       I wasn’t giving my life to God

6.       I couldn’t be used by God anymore

My ignorance of mental health led to some very unhealthy feelings about my anxiety. We are not supposed to “have it together” when we come to Jesus with our brokenness. Psalm 34:18 says “The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit.” God didn’t need me to understand the reason behind my anxiety. He didn’t need me to have it together before I came to Him for healing. He wanted renewed relationship with me. The longer I put off getting help because I was denying my problem, the longer I had less communication with God. This “come to Jesus” meeting led me down a road of managing my anxiety.

              If you are in a lonely place with anxious thoughts and it feels like there is no escape, hold tight to hope. Psalm 13:2 starts out with David saying, “How long will I store up anxious concerns within me, agony in my mind every day?” Later on, he sings “I have trusted in your faithful love; my heart will rejoice in your deliverance. I will sing to the Lord because He has treated me generously.” I think deliverance from anxiety is found when we lay down our need to know “why” and look to “who” can heal us. When we come to terms with our reality, we can bring it truthfully to God. This road of healing has many paths, some of which I will discuss on later posts. Know that you are loved and treasured by your Creator.