When A Good Man Doesn't Come

I was the girl who, as a teenager, wrote list of ideas of what a “good guy” would look like and act like. This list of ideals and non-negotiables has developed over the years, but nonetheless continued. I had this idea that by attending a Christian college, I’d find a “good Christian guy”. As graduation approached and I was still single, I started to buy into the idea that no good men exist. All around me, I heard some people tell me, “Your standards are too high. No one can meet those standards. You may need to reevaluate.” When I listened to other friends, they told me to hold tight to my standards and refuse to settle. As the former voices became louder, I started to mentally erase standards from the list that I didn’t believe could be found in men these days. I allowed myself to be influenced by the idea that no good men exist, anymore.

Here is why it is dangerous to listen to the voices telling us no good men exist:

1.)  We will begin to feel hopeless of the possibility of a Godly spouse.

When I was in college, I thought I’d have a “ring by spring”. When I got out of college, I thought I’d be married by 25. Now, at the age of 25, I’m coming to this place where I realize that God does not work on my timetable. He is not limited by age, location, or personality. When we tell ourselves that there are no good men, we are not trusting God. Out of a place of hopelessness, we can become fearful. Fear can lead us to make harmful decisions about relationships. Solomon wrote, “It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman” (Proverbs 21:19). As a single woman, I can interpret this verse to mean: it is better that I stay single through life than attach myself to a man who does not fear God. Hope is kept when we let God meet our needs.

2.)  We will not live purposeful lives.

The Lord has a plan for our lives, whether a good man enters the picture now or not. Our purpose does not begin when we find Mr. Right. How can we expect to find a man living his life on purpose if we are not living ours on purpose? When we get stuck on why we can’t find a good man right now, we forget that God has a plan for both singles and marrieds. After speaking about the purposes of singles and marrieds, Paul said, “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him” (1 Corinthians 7:17 ESV). Perhaps God has a different plan for our life during singleness that would not be possible if married. As we continue to live in His purpose, we will discover the ways God has made us. If ever brought in the path of a good man, we will be able to continue to live on purpose, rather than begin. When we follow God’s purposes for my life, we don’t waste our current season, in the hope of a different one.  

3.)  We will become bitter and blind.

As a single that looks around and does not see any God fearing men, it can seem like no good men exist. We can begin to plague my language with “all men are like this” or “well, I guess this is as good as it gets”. These comments will cause us to be bitter towards our brothers in Christ. Whether a possibility towards a potential relationship or not, our brothers in Christ need our encouragement toward living the life God has called them to. When we say things like “guys will be guys”, we limit the God-given life that is possible for them. Bitterness expressed in words will leave our brothers in Christ feeling there is no use in trying to live out their calling. In addition, my language can put a blindfold over our eyes to see the good men that are already there. Spiteful language about “all men” can become a blinder to seeing the men who are living for the glory of God. David encourages us to “delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4 ESV). While I don’t think this verse means every single will get married, I do think God hears our prayers for a good man. Instead of speaking out against what we can’t see, let’s be in the business of praying for and speaking life to the good men we can see.

4.)  We will become prideful.

When we keep the conversation about the problems with men, we take the focus off our own sinful selves. The focus on the problems of someone else is a pride trap. This pride trip steers our eyes away from self-examination. If God has put a desire in our hearts for a good man, we should stay in prayer for this man. We should also be in prayer that we will be a good woman, who a good man would be interested in pursuing. There are certain things we are not active in examining in ourselves when our focus is on the problems of someone else. Paul says, “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:32). Instead of being worried about why the men around us aren’t what we are praying for, we should be attentive to being the woman of God who pleases the Lord.

If these good men are not abundant and seem to be in hiding, maybe we are not ready for a relationship. Perhaps God has a better plan for us in singleness than could be met in relationship. Maybe God is blessing us with additional time to get our vertical relationship right with Him before leading us to a good man. Whether or not we can understand the future of our singleness, we can trust our God who has good gifts for His children. In the meantime, we can pray for our brothers in Christ, as we strive to be the women God has called us to be.

When Strength is Not Enough

It’s taken me a long time to get to a place where I can see myself as strong. I had a distorted view of what strength was when I found it in myself. I tried to be strong by attempting to be all the people I saw as strong. All my attempts came up faulty. I was left with the only One who had been there all along, waiting for me to acknowledge His strength.

I used to believe that strong people didn’t say “no” to anyone. I thought that the ability to be a “yes-man” meant you were a strong person. I saw strength evidenced when these “yes men/women” were able to be everything to everyone. These seemingly superhuman people seemed strong to me because they were able to take the same schedule I had and do three times the tasks. When I tried to be this, I was left overwhelmed and mentally undernourished.

Later, my view changed. I started to see strength in people who were able to say “no”. I saw these people continually making time for themselves by saying “no” to others and interruptions. At first, this seemed empowering. The problem with this was that I saw God doing things in people’s lives who were inconvenienced.

My view of strength continued to change. I began to see strength in people who could be self-sufficient. They had everything they needed and planned everything out, as to not rely on others. I saw this freeing because people can be unreliable. In not needing anyone, I saw independence as strength. I tried this lifestyle out. Before long, even the planning and resourcing myself lead me to need help.

I have discovered some things about strength, as I’ve encountered situations too immense to be strong enough for:

1.     We are strongest when we are doing the difficult work that God has called us to do.

In the moments of uncertainty of our abilities for the assignment, God steps in. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (ESV). This verse tells me that I can’t activate Christ’s power in me until I am to the end of myself. I think sometimes God allows really difficult circumstances in our life to show us that we can’t do it all. I think we could be accessing a lot more of God’s power in our life, but we often continue to be self-sufficient. We like to play it safe, rather than stepping out into the unknown, the place where God is. By allowing God to invite us into the uncomfortable, we can be available vessels to receive God’s power.      

2.     Moments of divine strength often come in the packages of interruptions.

It’s in those moments when we allow interruptions in our routine that God gives us strength. We have to make space for these moments. We can’t accept God’s power in our lives if we are too busy checking off boxes. Jesus was inconvenienced a lot. In the moments when people came to Jesus asking and He stopped that I see strength. I see a God who can tell the raging sea to cease stop because a sick person touched the hem of His garment. I see one who can heal the sick with just a word stop and help little children receive His strength. Perhaps every time we give of ourselves during those Spirit nudges, God gives us extra strength for the interruption.

3.     Strength is received in the throne room.

I see God bring me strength when I ask for it in prayer. One of the strongest people I know models this really well for me. She admits when she comes up short. She follows her admission with a request from me for prayer. She will tell me that she, herself, is asking God for strength to continue through the situation. She seems to understand that it's what we do with the “more than we can handle” that really determines where our strength lies. Where is strength found? The “strength and joy are in His place” (1 Chronicles 16:27 ESV). The action of praying for strength reveals a competency in the receiver of the prayer. I remind myself that God is strong when I ask Him to bring me strength during my troubles.

It took me a while to get to the place where I understood that the reason I did not feel strong was because I had a misunderstanding of what strength was. When found in myself, strength was not enough. I could never be strong enough for the challenges I faced. Once I realized that God was the strength in my weakness, it took my view off of myself and onto the One whom I put my trust in. Despite these strides, my mind can so easily forget what I have learned. As a booster shot, I thank God for His strength. When I see something go well, I thank God for giving me the power to carry on. My desire is that you and I can sing the song of Psalm 21:13, as evidenced in our lives: “Be exalted, O Lord, in Your strength! We will sing and praise Your power!” (ESV).